Friday, December 30, 2005
God is crying for me
It's time to end. Everything has to end. Or perhaps nothing began in the first place.
I thot I would cry, not just tearing, but crying and weeping hysterically. But I couldn't. My mind just got crippled and I couldn't think. I wonder why I wasn't crying. Am I hurt? I dunno. Perhaps I din love him so much in the first place. Or perhaps I never did. But shouldn't I still end all these crap with a big cry? Something in me is yearning to scream out loud. I really want to scream it out loud.
I know I cry a lot. Many thot I like to cry, including my parents, but I'm always crying normally and quietly. I want to do this in a different way.
But still I dun think I'm crying. Perhaps my tear glands are not functioning. Or perhaps my tears for him have been used up. I'm just not crying as I thot I should at the very minimum. Perhaps I'm just waiting for the triggering point.
Everything I did for him, I got nothing in exchange, but just a scald scar on my palm. The pain from that scald was unbearable. But the fresh surface wound no longer hurt now. But why I am still bearing all the pain which is infinitely painful.
Dun tell me he cares for me when he pushed me from Heaven to hell and when I started to stand up, he said he cares again and threw me back to hell from a greater height.
I couldn't cry. I have to act normal in front of everybody, including my daddy and mommy. I so much wanted to tell them my feelings. I yearn for a hug and hush from my daddy and mommy. I wish they could cry with me and just tell me everything is gonna be alright.
Even when a heart is broken, it'll continue to beat on. Life goes on.
Everytime I step outdoor alone, it would be raining. God is crying for me. He is there to cry with me. But I needed a shoulder. Yet I know I can still stand strong cos God is supporting me. I belong to HIM and my destiny is in His hands.
I need to cry it out before 2006 begins cos I never wanna cry for him or over him ever again. Cant wait for 2005 to end cos there's nothing I could rejoice about throughout the year. The greatest regret I'll ever have is never let him know how I felt. I need a new beginning. I need........
OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/12:29 AM}
