Happiness? What's that? It seems so far from me now. Ting called the other day and asked if I'm happy? I told her I was clueless. But deep in me I know the answer very well. I'm not happy. I'm very unhappy and I'm very hurt. My heart is aching. This thing has been dragging too long. It has ended and my hurts have to end too. 2005 coming to an end. My pain has to end before the year ends.
I've been burying myself with work and nothing else but work. I'm using busyness once again to forget everything when I've tried that and it din work out before then. Yet I'm back on this method again. I'm running away. I wanna disappear from this earth or at least become invisible that I cannot be seen. So what if I've the riches and things I like? I'm not happy.
I seemed to have lost the reason of my existence when I know God is the only one I can find the answer to everything. But I'm so pain that I even wanna run away from God cos I dun wanna blame Him for all my pain. He could deliver me, but I just dun know what I'm doing.
I thought that by psycho-ing myself everyday that nothing happen, I never knew him, he never existed or he's dead in my heart, that I'm be alright. I was wrong. I promised myself nv to shed a drop of tear over him or ever see him again. I tried. Avoiding the times and opportunity that I can see him. I suppressed my tears and ran away, but the more I did, the more hurt and painful I am. I just had to erupt in my closed room. Heartaches seem to have become parts and parcels of my life. If you asked me what have I achieved in the year 2005, my answer? Nothing but tears. My life has been flooded with tears. What colour is my life? Grey.
During overnight prayer meeting on Friday, once again I came nearer to God. Nothing new but an awakening revelation from God which served as a reminder.
I'm nothing without God. He is my creator, my source, my strength.Without Him, there wont be me. Only HIM that I'll be happy. Indulge in His joy.
I want to so much be near Him. I wanna cling onto God and not let go. God, pls hug me.
