Sunday, October 09, 2005
Broken heart and soul once again
When I felt that this world is so dangerous, that everyone in this world are no longer trustworthy besides my parents and my home, that no matter what I go through I still have a shelter to go to, that even if the whole world hurt me, my parents will never hurt me. But satan took away the last glimpse of hope from me.
My dad would never bring me to any company functions or whatever class gatherings. I would used to think that maybe he didn't wanna bored me out, or maybe he thinks that I'm not good enough to be brought out to show his friends and colleagues. But there's was more behind all these. Everytime when I protest why I would be left home, he would always keep quiet. Now I know that he was to guilty to say a word.
It was my mom's slip of tongue this morning that I realised that my dad had never been proud of me to mention me before others, although they knew that he has a daughter. He was so ashamed of me that he had to resort to lying. My mom told me that one of the directors in the company of bragging about his son, how close they were and that his son was getting married next month. And when this director asked my dad where I was studying, my dad lied that I was studying in america. Why did he lie?
All the things I went through the past couple of weeks, I fought back all my tears and told myself to be strong and not to cry. But tears could no longer be held back anymore. My mom din know I mind and they din even realised my change in expression. Having to have breakfast with them this morning and pretended as though nothing happen was hard. My heart was ripped apart and it's bleeding. The wounded heart and soul never had the chance to recover and there it got another deep and hard stab.
And my dad commented this morning that why I'm never like him, yet in my heart I was thinking "Why would I wanna be like u, a liar?" Right now my parents are feasting at some company function and I am here alone with 4 walls.
I began to think throughout the whole day that everything in my life is deception. There's no one whom I can trust, not even myself. When everyone sees how good a dad I have and envy me, what lies beneath are things which they cant see. I can take all the scolding and hurdling from my dad, but why did he lie? I mind a lot, lots and lots. He might as well tell everyone that his daughter is dead or he doesn't have any children.
What is love? I no longer know. Dont tell me all the crap about loving others especially those not lovable ones. Dont tell me to have a heart for others cos I dun think I have one that can function anymore
OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/10:53 PM}
