Life

Tuesday, October 25, 2005
I'm sick again!!! :(

The flu bug caught on me. Hate it. Cant remember when was the last time that I had a flu or when I was sick. Perhaps I've been fighting each day til I dont even have time to fall sick.

My nose have been running the whole day and I've been giving tuition since 8.30am this morning. Continuously giving 4 tuitions til almost 6pm. Oh.. what a job I've?!!!!! Best of all, my nose couldn't stop flowing, until I find it so disgusting.

After my 3rd kid, I still gotta bear the thunder storm and walk in the flood to go to the 4th kid's place. Argh...

Wanna go hug my pooh pooh to rest liao. Should I or should I not go school tml when I still haven study for tomorrow's IR test and also haven do my marketing, IR, econs and FR assignments? Hai....

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:16 PM}

Sunday, October 23, 2005
I'm nothing without God.

Happiness? What's that? It seems so far from me now. Ting called the other day and asked if I'm happy? I told her I was clueless. But deep in me I know the answer very well. I'm not happy. I'm very unhappy and I'm very hurt. My heart is aching. This thing has been dragging too long. It has ended and my hurts have to end too. 2005 coming to an end. My pain has to end before the year ends.

I've been burying myself with work and nothing else but work. I'm using busyness once again to forget everything when I've tried that and it din work out before then. Yet I'm back on this method again. I'm running away. I wanna disappear from this earth or at least become invisible that I cannot be seen. So what if I've the riches and things I like? I'm not happy.

I seemed to have lost the reason of my existence when I know God is the only one I can find the answer to everything. But I'm so pain that I even wanna run away from God cos I dun wanna blame Him for all my pain. He could deliver me, but I just dun know what I'm doing.

I thought that by psycho-ing myself everyday that nothing happen, I never knew him, he never existed or he's dead in my heart, that I'm be alright. I was wrong. I promised myself nv to shed a drop of tear over him or ever see him again. I tried. Avoiding the times and opportunity that I can see him. I suppressed my tears and ran away, but the more I did, the more hurt and painful I am. I just had to erupt in my closed room. Heartaches seem to have become parts and parcels of my life. If you asked me what have I achieved in the year 2005, my answer? Nothing but tears. My life has been flooded with tears. What colour is my life? Grey.

During overnight prayer meeting on Friday, once again I came nearer to God. Nothing new but an awakening revelation from God which served as a reminder.

I'm nothing without God. He is my creator, my source, my strength.Without Him, there wont be me. Only HIM that I'll be happy. Indulge in His joy.

I want to so much be near Him. I wanna cling onto God and not let go. God, pls hug me.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:34 PM}

Monday, October 17, 2005
A World of Apathy

It's a fact. We live in a fallen world and indeed too, a world of apathy and indifferent people. Been there, seen that. Living in a world with people of apathy yucks me. Hypocrites and lies who claims to care.. blah blah blah..

People who truly care.. I know, cos I can see it through their eyes, although my heart is dead. Wanting me to believe u care? Forget about it.

For those who really were there for me in my gloomest days, I wanna thank the people of the following:

1. My 2 Jos. I know u gals really care. Thanks for the concern.
2. My new buddy, Leona. My dear for being so much like me and for me always.
3. Sally and Cuicui.. Always there when I needed you both.
4. My JC gang: Grace, Sharon, Suet.. Hearing my frustrations.
5. My cg. I know you pple care. Thanks..

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/10:17 PM}

Sunday, October 09, 2005
Broken heart and soul once again

When I felt that this world is so dangerous, that everyone in this world are no longer trustworthy besides my parents and my home, that no matter what I go through I still have a shelter to go to, that even if the whole world hurt me, my parents will never hurt me. But satan took away the last glimpse of hope from me.

My dad would never bring me to any company functions or whatever class gatherings. I would used to think that maybe he didn't wanna bored me out, or maybe he thinks that I'm not good enough to be brought out to show his friends and colleagues. But there's was more behind all these. Everytime when I protest why I would be left home, he would always keep quiet. Now I know that he was to guilty to say a word.

It was my mom's slip of tongue this morning that I realised that my dad had never been proud of me to mention me before others, although they knew that he has a daughter. He was so ashamed of me that he had to resort to lying. My mom told me that one of the directors in the company of bragging about his son, how close they were and that his son was getting married next month. And when this director asked my dad where I was studying, my dad lied that I was studying in america. Why did he lie?

All the things I went through the past couple of weeks, I fought back all my tears and told myself to be strong and not to cry. But tears could no longer be held back anymore. My mom din know I mind and they din even realised my change in expression. Having to have breakfast with them this morning and pretended as though nothing happen was hard. My heart was ripped apart and it's bleeding. The wounded heart and soul never had the chance to recover and there it got another deep and hard stab.

And my dad commented this morning that why I'm never like him, yet in my heart I was thinking "Why would I wanna be like u, a liar?" Right now my parents are feasting at some company function and I am here alone with 4 walls.

I began to think throughout the whole day that everything in my life is deception. There's no one whom I can trust, not even myself. When everyone sees how good a dad I have and envy me, what lies beneath are things which they cant see. I can take all the scolding and hurdling from my dad, but why did he lie? I mind a lot, lots and lots. He might as well tell everyone that his daughter is dead or he doesn't have any children.

What is love? I no longer know. Dont tell me all the crap about loving others especially those not lovable ones. Dont tell me to have a heart for others cos I dun think I have one that can function anymore

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/10:53 PM}

Saturday, October 08, 2005
An empty shell

What is life? I dunno. Haven had one the past week. Busy in work, burying myself under the loads of work. I'm dealing with so many things until I think I've lost myself.

I feel so much like a empty shell. I've lost my heart and soul and appearing before others in the form of my physical shell.

How much more can I take? I'm hitting my threshold level and I'm fading away. Felt like a robot the past week. Haven shed a tear and I won't allow myself to.

I dunno anything, but all I know, I'm running away. All I see is a long long freeway with no end and I'm running.

I dun wanna think or recall. No I dun. I just wanna run. The inner me has ran away, leaving only about 30% left.

If another thing hit me, I'm gonna break, I will and I am.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:07 PM}

Saturday, October 01, 2005
Suetie's Birthday..

After last sat's chill-out at the Cheesecake Cafe, all my besties from JC realised that we haven spend time together for very long and the gathering last week for too short.. So we decided to meet up today since it was Suet's bday.

Hai.. Hanna couldn't make it cos she gotta go home to see her folks in Malaysia. That leaves the 5 of us. O well... We arranged to meet at 8pm at Raffles Place to go to the TCC at Circular St. behind Boat Quay. As usual, I was late cos got stuck in church for a short discipleship. Buai.. Took a cab down which costed me $13. Buai... My heart bled but I shall not let my besties wait too long.

Only Grace, Sharon and Suet were there. Val, too, as usual was late. Haha... They ordered liao so left with me. We each other a drink and some food to share. Had TCC House Special Tofu, Club Sandwich and Smoke Salmon Linguine. Sharon had a raspberry tea, Suet had a honey latte, I think Grace ordered a Frappe which was topped with chocolate and corn flakes and I had a raspberry tea freeze. Woho.. Mine was the best. Simply love it. The rest loved it too.

Chit-chat.. teasing.. crapping.. Joking of how Suet now is "dirtied" by dengue. Haha.. Love to be with my friends. I simply love to be with people whom I feel safe with.

Val came at almost 9.30pm and best of all, she walked to Boat Quay from Clarke Quay cos she took a cab to the wrong place.. Haha.. Val changed a lot. Haven seen her for some time even though we are in the same school. She not so lady-like liao. Maybe cos of all the matches and training.

We ended our course with a slice of oreo cheesecake.. Huh.. last time I ate that with mummy, it was pretty good, but having been to the cheesecake cafe last week, well..it just can't match the standard. Haha...

We left at almost 10.30pm since Grace had to rush home and Suet too, to cut her birthday cake with her family. Yet she still grumbled that she never go home so early before on her birthday. Hai..

Promised to give Suet a birthday present on my blog..
Hey Woman... See..
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Happy Birthday!!! Muack my ming ming!!

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:56 PM}