Life

Wednesday, August 24, 2005
What a lovely day!

Haven't done some stuff for very long. My day started super early today.

Had my driving lesson at 8am today, taught by Mr Ng. Whaha.. He's super funny and super nice. Having learnt driving for so long, he only took me for the 1st time last thur. Today is my 3rd lesson with him. Circuit courses usually very difficult to clear one. Lots on pointers to remember. That time Mr Tan also took me for circuit course. He taught me parallel parking, S-course and crank course, but I honestly din care what he told me, cos the lesson I had with Mr Ng, he already taught me and given me more tips. So I super like to be taught by Mr Ng cos super fun and also lots of tips. Cleared the entire circuit course review today. I only left with stage 4 before I take my final evaluation and my test. Also cos of this, got a small scolding from Mr Ng. Haha.. cos I've been super pia with my practical driving lessons, trying to clear everything at one shot, but forgetting that I needa pass my advance theory test in order to book for my driving test. Argh.. No choice. Gotta pia my advance theory this wk hopefully can pass my evaluation next week. And hopefully got a test date in mid Sep.

After driving, I went down to Raffles City for my 1st dental appointment in 6 YEARS. YESH.. SIX YEARS. Haha... I always dread going to the dentist. If I haven't had this free dental consultation and polish, I dun think I'll go to the dentist on my own accord. Went to the Stamford Dental Clinic. Wow.. it was a super posh clinic, yet the tv was on, showing kids central when I walked in. Haha.. I had the honor to be the 1st patient of the day. Super nervous.. so scare when I had the drilling sound.

First the nurse explained to me that the cleaning has 2 processes: polishing and scaling. Polishing wont clean the teeth completely. But scaling would but it isn't free.. Eh... Whatever.. So when I walked into the "Smile" Room, I saw a pretty dentist and her "auntie" assistant. The dentist examined and o well.. Maybe too long I never go dentist le, the tartar and dirts accumulated between the teeth cos my front gum to become super swollen and puffy and I've got ginervitis (a gum disease)... Oh no.. Hai.. Looks like I really need to do the scaling. So I agreed.

Ah... So pain. The dentist digged and poked and I bled a lot... It was about a 20mins process, followed by a 5 mins polishing process. :D I've got super clean teeth now. The dentist said I was a very brave girl.. :D Made me so shy, so paiseh.. Haha.. She said I got very healthy gum at the back of my teeth and very neat and nice teeth shape. Hee.. But this dental visit cos me $50.. Anything la..

After which, I went to shop around Raffles Place then decided to find a nice place to have lunch to reward myself for working so hard for so long and since my gum was still bleeding.. Eh.. Me decided to go Soup Spoon. Had a set meal.. a bowl of Boston Calm Chowder and a roasted pumpkin salad with a large ice tea. Woho..

Boston calm chowder..thick and creamy, full of ingredients and large, fresh, juicy calms.

Roasted pumpkin salad.. pumpkin roasted with onion and garlic, large cubes yet soft..the pumpkin melts in my mouth once it enters my mouth.. yummy.. accompanied with rocket leaves dressed in red vinegarette.. Excellent..

Top is up with a huge chilly ice tea. What an excellent lunch.. Quiet and peaceful.. Haven had such a time with myself for a long time. Nothing to care and bother, but my only care for that day was... how to get to school on time and direct... Haha.. So I took a stroll down the Park opposite Padang to take a direct bus to school. Up the bus I boarded and slept my way through til I reached school. O ya.. And not forgetting that I've become super teeth-conscious cos I'm looking into the mirror almost every 10 minutes. Whaha...

What a lovely day...

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:39 PM}

Sunday, August 21, 2005
God takes Responsibility for everything in my Life

Ok.. Gonna make this pretty quick and short I guess. Have been very busy this week. Having to rush from places to places everyday.

Just wanna share a little bit about what Pst Sy Rogers shared over the weekend services that caught me thinking. For those of you who dunno who Sy Rogers is, he is a man whom God did a tremendous work and miracle in him and indeed a living testimony to testify for the greatness of God. Some pointers that Pst Sy shared which I could relate and explain about all that happened to me the last 9 mths.

4 characteristics of God

God is deliberately mysterious. God desires us to seek Him and He'll conceal Himself often except to those who make the effort to seek Him. The proof of desire is pursuit. Make God a desire of our life and pursue Him. Hey Suetie.. You've gotta continue and build on what you've achieved finally in ur spiritual life but remember that your walk with God doesn't stop at where you are now. Continue to seek and pursue Him and He'll come to you.
God is unpredictable and frightening. God's thoughts and ways are higher than ours. God is like the deep vast ocean and it's impossible to predict the things He has in store in our lives. He's so unpredictable in my life that everyday of my life is unpredictable. 11 mths ago I would never have predicted that I would fall in love and be deeply crushed. Yet God made the unpredictable a reality. Scary especially when it costed me so much, having to hurt the man I loved and myself, my spiritual fall and it almost costed my life. But like I said, God is so unpredictable that He intervened at times when I never thought He would. Faith is trusting God's character even when life gives you reasons not to.
God is responsible for everything in my life. He knew on the very day He created me that I would fall in love at a very wrong time in the midst of my vow, with the very wrong man no matter how good he is. He allowed me to go through all the painful moments but yet He din stop all the things which He knew would cause me pain and left me to dwell in depression. We human beings often rage with God when things don't go our way or when tragedy happens. Yet God is a good God and He is good all the time. He shows responsibility in our lives by sending Jesus to die on the cross for us, to compensate for all the painful events in our lives which He allowed to happen. But nonetheless, things can never be undone but we can still move forward to receive the compensation which God freely gives to us.
God is nice and gracious to me. He doesn't treat me like I deserve to be. He loves me evermore despite the fact that I failed Him times and again. He values me and treasures me despite my occasional rebellious acts and disloyalty. God is indeed good and holy. For if it isn't for me, I won't have been where I am now. If it wasn't God being there for me, I wont have recovered fast and bounced back fighting for the glory of God.

God is my creator and He will take responsibility for all my life happenings cos He has planned everything in my life before He created me. God has done similarly in your lives too. Let God rule in u.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:47 PM}

Sunday, August 14, 2005
A Heart after God

Service was superb today. Never felt so powered up throughout the whole svc. It wasn't hype. It was the move of God. We had a near full hour of praise and worship. Indeed, a great and anointed session lingering with God. I've never felt so good for a long long time. Revelations after revelations, visions after visions. So many things which God spoke to me. Wasn't in a super good mood today before I went for svc, but the moment I stepped into the house of God, things changed. I've never been feeling so whole for a long time. Deep down I know that I'm reborn again.

I dun think I still miss him or have any feelings for him. God has mended me and gave me new birth, cos I can wear that bracelet he bought for me without feeling anything. Looking forward to the great future which God has in store for me ahead. God, surprise me when You think I'm ready k?

Psa 42:1
As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God.

Pst Kong shared that above scripture of Psalm 42 today at the end of Praise and worship today. That was like an affirmation for God. I've been coming across this scripture the past wk, in the bible, on the net, from the hymn which Life Bookstore was playing the moment I stepped in. Once or twice maybe coincidental, but three times is surely a message from God.

Our life is a worship and sacrifice unto God. God is our source of life. How could anyone forsake life for death? God seeking for yearning hearts, hearts that are after Him, not acts. Jesus my saviour who gave His life in exchange of my eternal life. I made up my mind that from now on, everything I do, I do for the will of God. Not my will but God's will be done. No matter how hard things may go, God will always be there for me, for He's my strength. So devil, get behind my back cos I will not bow down to u or the circumstances.

Some words to share with some of my darlings:

To Suetie: hey dear, no matter what happen, how busy u get, seek God first. You gotta get out of your comfort zone. I know u'll try. Promise? No matter which church u go, u still have to build up ur spiritual life cos u'r a temple of God too. I'll be there for u always when u need me.

To Yeling: Ger ah, so proud of u and so good to have u back in the family of Christ once a again. Can see that u are making effort to build back the relationship with God. Jia you. I'll always have u in my prayers and love ya.

To my young Jo No.3: hey dear, sometimes the goings in life do get tough, especially in serving God. Things dun always turn out the way we expect and people often do disappoint us. But we still have our Lord, our Heavenly Daddy who will take care of us and the things we go through. He wont let us bear more than we could. Remember, He has made u the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. Gotta study hard and shine for Him k. Waiting to hear great testimonies from you at the end of the year. Need help, just call me.

To my dearest: really felt sad for you for the things you do and the ways you feel. u bow down to circumstances and allow them to control u, instead of taking control over them. Seeing you sliding away and hanging the the edge of life hurt me. Not that I dun wanna help, but it's more of u willing to be helped anot. You can hide and deceive the whole world and even the spiritual authorities put over ur life, but u cant deceive or hide from God. Ask urself if the things u did before, were they for God or for man? U can called to be a God-pleaser and not man-pleaser. You can put on a mask and act before men of God, but you cant hide ur heart from God. You knew that I would do anything for you, just to see u well and whole. Because of you, it costed me a close friendship and my rewards, insults from others who perceived to know u inside out. I was made to feel like a busybody. Hello? I'm not so free to be one. If you din matter so much to me or to God, I really wont bother. But nonetheless, u must wake up and stand up on ur feet and seek Him. Cant you see that the devil is already mocking? Fight back. Ask and let God deal with this battle.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/12:14 AM}

Sunday, August 07, 2005
If I had amnesia...

So what I'm in the largest church in Singapore, 18000 members? Does that mean I wont see him even in any combine church service or big days? The answer is no. Saw him today @ SIS. I said hello but he din even bother. He first saw Emerick and came over to say hi. But I sensed that he was avoiding eye contact with me. For that moment after that, I hugged onto Suetie's arm and tears dwelled in my eyes in split seconds, but before I knew it, the tears dried up.

Was I sad? Nope.. There was no more spirit of grief. I wont allow the spirit of grief to dwell in me. So satan, get behind my back. Was I devastated? Nope.. I guess there was only the feeling of missing him. We haven sat down or hang out like we used to, for a very long time. There is only a sense of longing.

No doubt that we should live our lives with hopes and dreams, but he is certainly not one I wish to pin my hopes and dreams on anymore. I've got a great destiny in God, but somehow he's the reason that is holding me back from achieving what I can.

I too have got a future and so does he. Guess we both have been moving on, but I had the feeling of always going back to the past. I like what Pst Kong shared today. A man without a future will always return to his past. I know that I've got a future in everything but somehow I lost sight of my future on this patch of life-relationship. He was my past but who's my future whom I can look forward to. If God don't reveal a future to me soon, I think I'll go nuts for dwelling in the past.

I might have felt my feelings behind my back but memories will still stay. I hate going to the SIS cos it's the place my feelings for him deepened. I hate myself for remembering everything about him so clearly. Sometimes I really think that the only way that I can forget him is for me to get into so kinda accident and get a head injury and suffer amnesia. But to live without memories is even more painful than living with those painful ones. A person without a past will never move towards his future.

My past in him has changed many of my perspectives. He changed my view of love. Sometimes I questioned myself do I still believe in love anymore and I'm clueless. I can discuss about the issue of love but knowing is one thing, believing is another. This song on my blog illustrated my thoughts and feelings.

My memories of fairy tales is gradually melting away cos love isn't a fairy tale. I dont wanna be sitting alone in memories, having to struggle and act tough cos time cant never return to the very beginning. He stole away too much of my time. Hopefully wind will blow away all the memories as time flies. I might be able to recall, by myself, the "original me" whom I used be before I loved him but I cant never fully return to the naive and innocent "me".

To many, I may appear ok, but deep in me, I'm not even sure. I just know that God is healing me as time passes and He's making me whole once again. Yet, the crack lines will still exist even if they dun appear obvious.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/9:43 PM}

Monday, August 01, 2005
Delivered from Grief and Brokeness

Had a great week of deliverance services the past weekend. God delivered me yesterday during service.

It's time to give up and forget. Have been moving on yet turning back, but now it's the point of no return. Saw him on Sat but yet I pretended I din see him. Foolish it may be. Yes indeed. But no more. Wont do stupid things anymore, even ignoring him. If I'm alright, everything should just be norm. God, I wont turn back and look back. Help me to not look back.

I had to let the spirit of grief out. Those SOT counsellors had probs delivering me yesterday. Guess the spirit of grief anchored in me for too long. God, take away the spirit of grief and fill it in with spirit of joy.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/5:58 PM}