I am super sore loser in life. Everything in my life, I look upon them as a challenge. Either I succeed and win or fail and lose. I hate the feeling of losing. I'm afraid of losing and falling cos it hurts. So many times I failed and lost and I always tried to fake to be alright. But always, my tear glands would fail me and tears will betray me. Cant seem to control of tears in times of failures although down right in my heart I dun feel a thing at that particular instance.
I hate my vulnerability cos it's hindering my growth. I know I'm emotionally very weak. Not that I din make an effort to grow it stronger, but everytime when I feel stronger, I bound to face failures. Yes, I know that life isn't a bed of roses. Failure is the mother of success. When will success come?
Many times I feel horrible and tears would uncontrolably be secreted and cry in public, mainly because I am angry with myself. I'm upset that I'm not able to do a better job when I'm assigned to, to cause mess-ups and failures. Alex said it was cos I always have super high expectations of myself and always trying to meet man's expectations. That's why I'm very hard on myself.
Take last year's chalet bbq for instance. Things were messed up not by me but cos I was the food IC, I got upset when things dun turn out the way I wanted them to be and as I've instructed others to do. I was devastated on the spot when things were in a mess even after giving repeated instructions to others. Then I wasn't able to handle everything personally cos I had a test on the day of the chalet. I was upset with myself for not being able to handle the things personally and causing things to screw up. Though it wasn't badly screwed, to me, as long as it isn't perfect, it's screwed. Hated it when others to heed my advices to result to the screw up. Alex said I shouldn't feel bad as long as I've done my best, even if it's not as perfect as planned.
Perfectionist in some ways I guessed. Especially when it's comes to the area of food and cooking, which I've a flare in. I'll never present sub-standard food to ruin my reputation (although I welcome critics). But I guessed I screwed it today. Tried controlling my tears but I failed again. Had a super bad habit of denying to devastation. Nonetheless, was upset not with others. It's no one's fault. It's just me. Very disappointed with myself. Thought of never gonna cook again or experiment new dishes. Never want another failure. Sheena said she will be my guinea pig when I come up with new dish, but I told her maybe no more new dish liao, I'll just fry an egg, or boil an egg cos boiling no need oil and no need to wash up so hard. She told me I shouldn't give up cos if I don't use whatever God gives me, it'll be taken away.
I just need time to overcome today's failure. Daddy always says that if Thomas Edison gave up trying after a few times, we wont have electricity and light bulbs le. I wanna be like Edison, but I just new time to rest and heal before I make my next big break.
