I really find it hard to describe my last 72 hours. It was like me been in heaven and hell. Emotionally and spiritually challenged.


Dunno why since thur nite, I had a super insecure and uncertain feeling and I started to cry myself to sleep again before I realised it. I hated this feeling. It was a signal that I'm gonna breakdown any moment.


Then went for the fan club gathering on fri. Ok.. saw Jeff Chang. Held hands and shook hands and once again he was impressed with me. But honestly, I wasn't really excited. Something is definitely so wrong with me. I won an imported CD of Jeff's live concert in HK with Joey Yeung. Well Verline and May were so happy cos I helped our team to win 2 out of the 3 games we played. Supposed to be happy but inside me I know I wasn't. Winning the cd to me was just like a bonus from God cos I din really expect to win anything or whatsoever. One thing I know that since the day I felt in love with him, my life was nv the same. I guess he was the reason why I wasn't even excited when I was so close to my idol.


After that, rushed home to give Tony tuition. Super fedup cos his mom couldn't come pick him on time so he got stuck at house until super late that I couldn't go for my pilates. Sux.. It's the 3rd lesson I missed. Argh.... I hate it when things dun work my way.


Then after which I still gotta fight my way thru to go for the overnight prayer meeting cos pa din want me to go esp when I got COPE the next day. Had to get my mom to go too so forced to promise to help her do housework before going OPM. Argh.......


Things simply din go my way. So many things screwed up. Stupid devil is attacking me really hard on the eve of the Arise and Build. Bloody hell devil... Go to hell. I had several panick attacks since thur nite and that I would unawarely tear and cry for no reason and fear and insecurity and uncertainty creeping in me. Felt really pressurized yet I still had to force myself to put up a strong front before my parents and cg members. I really cant take it anymore. Gonna break any moment.


Broke down completely before God during OPM and service today. Plegded a super by-faith amount for the upcoming Arise and Build and gonna sow my precious to God. Excited about it cos I really dunno what God has in store for me the next 6 mths.


But one thing I do know that I still have God's strength to depend on. I failed God once, I mustn't do it again. I know that this period of time will not be a bed of roses, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm of certain importance to God, that's why the devil is trying to crush me down. The more the devil tries to attack me, the more I'll fight back and bounce back even harder.


Satan, know what? I declaring war with u. YES, war. Bloody hell u go cos that's why u belong. Go and die SATAN. U are forever a loser and I'm made a victor in CHRIST. God will surely have the final victory.


Jo woo, gotta stay focus the next few mths and years. GOD is my primary love.