Life

Thursday, July 28, 2005
Busy Girl

Ok.. seems so long that I last blogged. Got ups and downs the past 2 weeks.

God is good. Got a new part-time job as a tuition coordinator. Not too bad the pay. Got commission too. My boss also quite nice to me. Managed to close some deals the past 3 days. God is really good. So if any of u out there wanna be a tutor, find me cos I got lots of lobangs. Hahah...

Super busy. Work, tuition, driving, church... Hardly have time for my parents. But even if I got time with them, they dun have time with me. Take for example today. Both of them not home yet. I'm home alone. A bit sad... dunno leh. just feel that emptiness in the house even though I'm stuck in my room as usual.. haha.. but still, quite weird to have them both out so late this hour. Usually only me out at such an hour and not them. They are usually the ones waiting for me to come home. But me waiting for them? Nah...

Best of all, school starting soon and I think I'm gonna be super no life from then on. My day then will just be school, work, tuition. I dun even have time for my driving. Argh..............

Feel so sian now. Super no mood. Dun feel like watch tv or talking to anyone. Dun talk le. Blah...

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:33 PM}

Tuesday, July 19, 2005
You Only Have 1 Life to Live. Live It!

A Question which I've gave some thoughts to today besides sleeping and eating. What would my life be if I never come to know Christ? I'm sure I'm not the only person to ask such a question.

Since I become a Christian, life never seems to be able to return to where it used to be. Daddy got pretty upset when he saw me working into the wee hours last night trying to finish up my data entry assignment. He said our family doesn't need me to make a living or livelihood. I should be studying and enjoying my holidays at the moment and not working and wearing myself out. Wait til my parents see my account balance. Sure to scream.. Come to think of it.. I used to be pretty rich before I came to church.. Haha.. But since then.. Eh... not forgetting that since I took control of my bank account, I started to spurgle.

Life before coming to church was pretty ok. I was always the super good girl who never go out with my friends. Perhaps once 1-2 months. I used to be that super obedient girl who goes straight home after school. My family used to go shopping every Saturday and Sunday, bringing my grandparents out for meals. Basically Saturdays and Sundays were family days and also for me to go for my pipa lessons.

Since my family got saved and me going JC, life took a dramatic turn. Saturday is always a church day. I could go shopping and makaning after school with my friends.. Weekday evening used to be struck in front of the tv to chase after dramas after dramas. But since I got saved, things changed a little when then, every Thurs evening was cg meeting. As I became more involved in church, Saturday evenings got bible study. As time flies, Wednesday and Friday evenings got bible study and choir pracs. Church became my second family.

Moneywise.. As I grew, I learnt the importance of tithing and the law of sowing into God's kingdom. Since I came church, I've been through every pledge. Emptied out my account many times to sow into the works of God. Most of my friends and relatives don't understand why I gave so much to the church. They always say things like"City Harvest already so rich le still need u to give money meh?", "Why u give so much? The church force u one ah?", "Your church cheat money is it?", "Why ur church always ask people to give money?", "Why ur church so expensive?", "Why must pay money then can go church ah?" and etc etc.... I've always been explaining and answering to such questions that I realised that there's no point explaining to some of those who are super ..... I'll only explain to those who are really interested to know.

If I never know God, or become a Christian or get rooted in CHC, maybe my life would just be ordinary and plain. Getting glued to the TV everyday after school, go shopping with my parents every Saturday and Sunday for the whole day, maybe my account would still be very rich cos I wont needa tithe and give offerings or plegde, won't have to work so hard everyday after school, probably sleeping my days away during holidays, shaking my legs everyday, waiting for my dad to give me money whenever I demand( O not that my dad dun give me money when I asked, but maybe I'm just not so dependent on my dad as I used to although I'll still ask for money when I really really need them.) And also never needing to fast and pray and deal with all the spiritual warfare stuff. But then life would really just be mere ordinary, mediocre.

Everytime when my family is late for family dinner or whatsoever, my relatives will sure pinpoint at me. "Must be waiting for u in church la.." Or when I turn down every class gathering or reunion, my friends will say "Ok. We know. It's ur church again right?" O well, blame me, but that's my commitment which many people don't understand, not even some of my Christian friends.

Given a 2nd chance, I would make the same decision without any regrets. You only have 1 life to live. Make a wise choice and live it. Life is never a bed of roses. There bound to be ups and downs in life. But as a Christian, God already prepared us that there'll be trials and tribulations in life, which means to say that as a Christian, there'll be more challenges in life, eg dealing with the realm of the supernatural. As a Christian, I got to study the bible in depth, which not a non-believer would do. The Bible--the word of God, is a book of wisdom with many things to discover about life and God.

Since I got saved, life is full of excitement with all the ups and downs. All the conferences and seminars, big days and carnivals, concerts and crusades, cell group, service, ministries and bible study. Life is so fulfilling. Although I've sowed so much into God's kingdom, the church, etc..., but I do know that everything I do and give, I do it unto God and what many people don't know that God's blessings are always flowing in my life. I am building up treasures in Heaven. I believe that God has pathed my life and have great thing planned for my future. If God din provide for me, how am I able to give? God love me so much that He gave me His only son to die for my sins. So what is my giving to God?

Another great thing that happened to me since I got saved is coming to know of so many people who love and care for me. I did think that if I din get saved or come to church, I won't have know him and probably I wont needa go through so much pain. But then, it's all God's plan for me to know him. Maybe not a regret after all to know him. O and not forgetting all my besties, Joanna, Joanne, Ris, Ting, Angie, Sheena, Ying Jie, Hwa Hwa and so many more, not forgetting Jesus my best friend. I'm truly blessed. Every relationship has to be build upon God.

I only have 1 life to live and I'll live it to the fullest for God. I doubt I'll turn back to the world although it is so much more comfortable, it has no purpose and meaning to live in the world. There have been more gains than losses to live for God. Live a purposeful life.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/10:50 PM}

Sunday, July 17, 2005
Declaring War

I really find it hard to describe my last 72 hours. It was like me been in heaven and hell. Emotionally and spiritually challenged.

Dunno why since thur nite, I had a super insecure and uncertain feeling and I started to cry myself to sleep again before I realised it. I hated this feeling. It was a signal that I'm gonna breakdown any moment.

Then went for the fan club gathering on fri. Ok.. saw Jeff Chang. Held hands and shook hands and once again he was impressed with me. But honestly, I wasn't really excited. Something is definitely so wrong with me. I won an imported CD of Jeff's live concert in HK with Joey Yeung. Well Verline and May were so happy cos I helped our team to win 2 out of the 3 games we played. Supposed to be happy but inside me I know I wasn't. Winning the cd to me was just like a bonus from God cos I din really expect to win anything or whatsoever. One thing I know that since the day I felt in love with him, my life was nv the same. I guess he was the reason why I wasn't even excited when I was so close to my idol.

After that, rushed home to give Tony tuition. Super fedup cos his mom couldn't come pick him on time so he got stuck at house until super late that I couldn't go for my pilates. Sux.. It's the 3rd lesson I missed. Argh.... I hate it when things dun work my way.

Then after which I still gotta fight my way thru to go for the overnight prayer meeting cos pa din want me to go esp when I got COPE the next day. Had to get my mom to go too so forced to promise to help her do housework before going OPM. Argh.......

Things simply din go my way. So many things screwed up. Stupid devil is attacking me really hard on the eve of the Arise and Build. Bloody hell devil... Go to hell. I had several panick attacks since thur nite and that I would unawarely tear and cry for no reason and fear and insecurity and uncertainty creeping in me. Felt really pressurized yet I still had to force myself to put up a strong front before my parents and cg members. I really cant take it anymore. Gonna break any moment.

Broke down completely before God during OPM and service today. Plegded a super by-faith amount for the upcoming Arise and Build and gonna sow my precious to God. Excited about it cos I really dunno what God has in store for me the next 6 mths.

But one thing I do know that I still have God's strength to depend on. I failed God once, I mustn't do it again. I know that this period of time will not be a bed of roses, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm of certain importance to God, that's why the devil is trying to crush me down. The more the devil tries to attack me, the more I'll fight back and bounce back even harder.

Satan, know what? I declaring war with u. YES, war. Bloody hell u go cos that's why u belong. Go and die SATAN. U are forever a loser and I'm made a victor in CHRIST. God will surely have the final victory.

Jo woo, gotta stay focus the next few mths and years. GOD is my primary love.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/1:58 AM}

Tuesday, July 12, 2005
My 1st Foot Reflexology

Just came home from supper with my uncle and auntie.

Today's Cheryl's birthday, but o well, it's just a little girl's birthday. Heehee. Went over to Aunt Alice's place for Shawn's tuition. Then after dinner, my dear Uncle Allan wanted to go for foot reflexology. Ha.. and guess what, my uncle and aunt brought me along. So exciting... Foot reflexology.. Have always seen those celebs doing foot reflexology on tv and screaming at the top of their lungs. Wondered if I would scream too..

We went to IMM to have the reflexology. Cos it's my 1st time doing foot reflexology, aunt alice arranged a female masseur for me. They said it wont hurt so much. And uncle and aunt had male masseurs cos they got more strength.

O well it din really hurt so much. Not really pain. Only my big toes and the side of my ankles. I used to think that the louder and more u scream during the reflexology, the more unhealthy u are. But I was wrong according to the masseur. The healthy u are, the more u will scream.. But I still dun believe it. According to the foot chart, the acupuncture point on the big toes and ankles are related to the head, temporal area and knees. Since I felt acute pain at those points, I really think that the more pain u feel, the more problem with concern to the related points.

When aunt kept asking me "pain anot?" No leh... Me got quite high pain tolerance level. I was still bragging that I wont be screaming at the top of my lungs cos it's not pain. But I simply had to eat back my words. Aunt's masseur wanted to disturb and tease me so he grabbed my ankle. Still acting tough so I kept saying "NOT PAIN." I asked for it, cos then he grabbed even harder and harder until I really wanted to scream and beg for mercy. Whahaha...

After which, I had the back massage. The masseur just sat on me and massaged. My neck and shoulders are so stiff. So pain. I was in so much pain that my mouth was opened so wide that I stretched all my mouth muscles to form a CAPITAL "O". I was too pain to scream out loud. Hahaha...

Not too bad an experience. But just couldn't help to compare this experience with spa. Reflexology is more of a pain relieve thing through acute pain pressure while spa is more of an enjoyment and relaxation through gentle rub and touch massage. Heh... I think I would prefer spa to reflexology. More comfortable and make me smell nicer. Ha..cos after the reflexology, I smelt like medicated oil.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:52 AM}

Saturday, July 09, 2005
Uncontrolable tears and anguish

I am super sore loser in life. Everything in my life, I look upon them as a challenge. Either I succeed and win or fail and lose. I hate the feeling of losing. I'm afraid of losing and falling cos it hurts. So many times I failed and lost and I always tried to fake to be alright. But always, my tear glands would fail me and tears will betray me. Cant seem to control of tears in times of failures although down right in my heart I dun feel a thing at that particular instance.

I hate my vulnerability cos it's hindering my growth. I know I'm emotionally very weak. Not that I din make an effort to grow it stronger, but everytime when I feel stronger, I bound to face failures. Yes, I know that life isn't a bed of roses. Failure is the mother of success. When will success come?

Many times I feel horrible and tears would uncontrolably be secreted and cry in public, mainly because I am angry with myself. I'm upset that I'm not able to do a better job when I'm assigned to, to cause mess-ups and failures. Alex said it was cos I always have super high expectations of myself and always trying to meet man's expectations. That's why I'm very hard on myself.

Take last year's chalet bbq for instance. Things were messed up not by me but cos I was the food IC, I got upset when things dun turn out the way I wanted them to be and as I've instructed others to do. I was devastated on the spot when things were in a mess even after giving repeated instructions to others. Then I wasn't able to handle everything personally cos I had a test on the day of the chalet. I was upset with myself for not being able to handle the things personally and causing things to screw up. Though it wasn't badly screwed, to me, as long as it isn't perfect, it's screwed. Hated it when others to heed my advices to result to the screw up. Alex said I shouldn't feel bad as long as I've done my best, even if it's not as perfect as planned.

Perfectionist in some ways I guessed. Especially when it's comes to the area of food and cooking, which I've a flare in. I'll never present sub-standard food to ruin my reputation (although I welcome critics). But I guessed I screwed it today. Tried controlling my tears but I failed again. Had a super bad habit of denying to devastation. Nonetheless, was upset not with others. It's no one's fault. It's just me. Very disappointed with myself. Thought of never gonna cook again or experiment new dishes. Never want another failure. Sheena said she will be my guinea pig when I come up with new dish, but I told her maybe no more new dish liao, I'll just fry an egg, or boil an egg cos boiling no need oil and no need to wash up so hard. She told me I shouldn't give up cos if I don't use whatever God gives me, it'll be taken away.

I just need time to overcome today's failure. Daddy always says that if Thomas Edison gave up trying after a few times, we wont have electricity and light bulbs le. I wanna be like Edison, but I just new time to rest and heal before I make my next big break.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:35 PM}

Thursday, July 07, 2005
Love is like driving

Had the inspiration after driving lesson today.

Both driving and love are learning processes. No one is born to know how to drive and no one is born to love in a relationship.
When one first start to learn driving, he has gotta know what kind of vehicle he wants to drive, manual car or auto-transmission car. In love, before anyone starts a relationship, she must know what kinda guy she wanna date. Both are about decision-making cos at the end of the day, the end result will determine the future in the long run. Eg. if one learns to drive a manual car, he is about to drive a mini-van, manual car and auto-transmission car, whereas if he chooses to learn to drive an auto-transmission car, he can only drive an auto car in future. Similarly, the type of person one chooses to date will determine her happiness in future.
To start driving a car, one must first put the key in and turn it to ignite the engine. To start a relationship, feelings must first be put in. Feelings is just like the fuel in the car that keeps the car moving, which in this case, love.
When I first got hold of the wheel, I was super nervous. Well I guess newbies in driving and freshies in a brand new relationship both will give people gitters. Hence it takes a lot of courage and a super big step of faith to be able to start both right.
When I first stepped on the accelerator, I got so excited that the car started to move. When I first started driving, I was driving at 20-40km/h in the circuit. Gradually I stepped up and started driving at 50-70km/h. That's only when one is confident to try at that speed if u just start learning to drive. Similarly, a relationship takes time to accelerate and grow. I dun believe in instant passion and lust. Both processes should never be rushed. For instant, when u can even drive properly and u start to speed at 140km/h, what will happen? Accidents.. car crashes... tragedies... If the love in a relationship isn't developed gradually and advanced into a higher level based on impulse, most likely the relationship wont last.
In both driving and relationship, if something is wrong or when u go into the wrong direction, step on the brake immediately. Although in driving, last min braking is not advisable cos it's super jerky and pain esp when u jerk so hard that the safety belt pulls on u (how I know? cos I always brake last min til my every instructor also complain..heehee), it's still better than moving on when u know it's wrong and dangerous. In a relationship, the same theory applies. When u are in a wrong relationship, what's the point of moving on when u know it's pointless and unwise? U will only be more hurt. Step on the brake to prevent further hurt and danger. How I know? Been there, done that..
At the end of the whole learning driving process, one will have to take the driving test and pass it in order to get his driving license. In a relationship, a couple just have to pass all trials and challenges along the way in order to move on to the next level which is marriage. The marriage cert is just like the driving license, allowing us to move into a brand new level in life.
Both driving and relationship take lots of responsibilities. As a road-user, u are responsible for the safety of urself, other road-users and ur passenger. As a lover, u are responsible to ur spouse, to God and to his family and friends and ur family and friends, not forgetting urself too.

Be a responsible driver. Be a responsible lover.

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/11:27 PM}

Friday, July 01, 2005
What a dumb day!!!

Yesh... Today is such a dumb day. Met up with Siyin and Belle after tuition this morning to go back to primary school to visit. Have been a very very long time since I last went back to pri school. Ald 6 yrs le. The last time I went back was in sec 2. So that day when we went out, we had the sudden urge of going back to look see look see when we talked about those days in pri school. Those were the days....

As Belle and I was strolling back to school, we were like walking on Memory Lane. The mama shop is still there. It hasn't changed a single bit. When we went back, the only person we talked to was the security guard. Shoots... So sickening. The security guard refused to let us in, not even to step into the canteen which is 1 metre away. Arghh... We were still craving for those food we used to eat in those days. But that security guard just refused to let us in and also refused to help us call for some of our teachers cos he said they were very busy preparing for camp. And we saw that some of the food stalls in the canteen are still there. Ahh... but we still cant eat them.

He refused to let us in cos he said it was by the order of the principal that no outsider is allowed in the school compound. HELLO? US? OUTSIDERS? We spent 6 years in there and we know every single inch of the school compound better than the guard and the STUPID principal. And know what I sort of indirectly know that dumb jerk. Robin Ong. Know what it's such a small world cos his sister is aunt nancy's best fren and I've actually dine with his parents and sister too and his parents quite like me. Hah... whatever... they are nice people but not his son. Most of our teachers left bcos they find him too unreasonable. And heard from Belle that one of her mom's frens' son is studying in our pri school and this stupid jerk would demand all the students who are not performing in school to get out and transfer. Hello? He's defeating the purpose of education and is not fit to be an educator.

As we left, we saw a banner hanging outside the school saying "Yuhua Fundraising". Phew... Since he considers us as outsider, even if I got the money, I wont give a single cent. Super big PHEW!!!!!!

So we walked down to the market nearby for lunch. Haven been there for quite some years since I found out from that neighbourhood. We used to go to the food centre there for lunch after school and my family used to go there for breakfast every weekend. But guess what.... We were in absolute denial when we saw what was before us. The market is being demolished or at least it's closed for renovation and upgrading. All the food stalls are gone. Some of the stalls were relocated to a temporary shelter on this piece of small empty land across the carpark. Know what... the stalls were just relocated TODAY.... Ah..... So zhun!!!!! Most of the stalls are not ready yet. Only got 3 food stalls operating. Sux.... In the end... we ended in the McDonald's which we used to patronise when we were in pri school..

What a day we had!

OH, i'm so in love with victorian at {/3:11 PM}