I chose to live my day aimlessly today, not planning in thinking what I was supposed or should do. Played on my piano after abandoning it for so many months and I went to re-watch "Autumn in New York".
Got many things out from that movie. It's always the case. As usual, I cried but not in buckets. Think my tear glands overworked the last 2 days.
I realised that God created Man and Woman differently. Men dun function the way women do. Men are the most insensitive, insensible and stupid animals. They dun take things seriously especially when it comes to human relationships. I'm not just talking about BGR. Unlike men, women are highly sensitive, sensible and sentimental. Women treat every single little thing with care and seriously cos women are too vulnerable to afford to make any mistakes. In most human relationships, women are always the one getting hurt; men dun cos they take everything for granted. Once hurt, it's already a fact that there's a hurt. Yes. Hurt can be healed and nursed. It'll recover. But we cant deny the fact that the hurting process did take place.
Then it got me thinking again. Life is a journey, not a destination. Even the way to Heaven is a journey. But there are many stop points and pit stops along the journey. Well, the earthly or worldly destination is our funeral. I always resent the idea of funerals and thoughts of death. Somehow, I think my brain is rebelling against my wish.
I remembered that when I was in sec 4, our VP, Miss Ek once shared that in order to determine the start of our success, we must first picture our end, which is our funeral. I started to think about my funeral. Not how it wont be, but who would be at it?
What if I were to be like Charlotte? To die at such a young age. Will I have regrets? I guess Charlotte died without regrets cos at least she lived her life the way she wanted it to be and spent her last days with the man she loved. Me? There are so many things which I haven try or experience. I know I will die with regrets if I were to die now. I'm only glad each day now that no matter what happen, I am able to wake up each day with a pretence of nothing happen. If I were to be dying, I wanna be like Charlotte. I dun wan the people around me to worry about me. I want them to be happy too. I'll be sad to die although I know that I'll be going back home to Heaven, it should be happy. Yet there are so many things undone and worries too. What will happen to my parents?
I tried to visualise who would be at my funeral. I know my relatives will all be there. Daddy and mummy will be sad, but they will eventually pull through since they still got Cheryl and Shawn to cheer them up. All my school best frens, from primary to uni, will be there. MoJoJo, Sheena and Angel will be there too. I can visualise that they will all be silent. That's it. I dun wish to think anymore.
God, if Your will is for me to go, take me home Lord.
